The hardest part of meeting someone online is the first two lines. After that, a conversation mostly runs itself. The difficulty is that the most common first line, "hi", gives the other person nothing to answer.
Why "hi" so often gets no reply
Someone who has been in a busy room for ten minutes may have received a dozen messages that say only "hi", "hello" or "how are you". Each of them hands the work of starting the conversation to the person who received it. Most people do not have the energy to do that twelve times, so they answer the one message that was easy to answer.
A good opener therefore does two things: it shows that you noticed something about this particular person, and it ends with something they can respond to in one sentence.
Openers that work
Pick up something they said in the room. "You mentioned you just moved to Hamburg. How are you finding the winter?" This is the easiest and the best, because it proves you were listening.
Comment on a shared situation. "Is this room always this lively on Fridays?" Light, impersonal, and it invites an opinion.
Ask for a small recommendation. "Someone here was talking about Persian series. Is there one you would actually recommend?" People like being asked for their taste.
Offer something first. "I am trying to cook ghormeh sabzi abroad without the right herbs. It is not going well." A little self-deprecating honesty is disarming, and it gives the other person a story to react to.
Questions that open doors, and questions that close them
A closed question can be answered with one word, after which you are back where you started. An open question asks for a description or an opinion.
| Closed | Open |
|---|---|
| Do you like music? | What have you been listening to lately? |
| Are you in Europe? | What is it like where you live? |
| Did you have a good day? | What was the best part of your day? |
| Do you work? | What do you enjoy doing when you are not working? |
Give as much as you ask
Three questions in a row feel like an interview. The rhythm that works is simple: ask, listen, add something of your own, then ask again. If they tell you they like hiking, do not move straight to the next question. Say where you last went, or admit you have never managed more than an hour. Now they have something to ask you.
Topics that travel well
- Food: what they miss from home, what they have learned to cook.
- Places: the city they live in, the one they grew up in, where they would go tomorrow.
- Music, films and series, especially ones worth recommending.
- Language: funny mistakes, favourite words, learning a new one.
- Everyday life abroad: weather, paperwork, the first thing that surprised them.
Topics to leave for much later, or for never: age, relationship status, money, exact address, appearance, and politics or religion in a room where you do not know anyone.
Reading the signals
Short answers with no questions in return usually mean the person is busy, tired or not interested. That is not a judgment on you. Send one friendly closing line and let it go: "No worries, enjoy your evening." People often come back later to someone who did not push.
The opposite signal is just as clear. Long answers, questions back, and jokes mean the conversation is working and you can relax.
In a group room
You do not have to address one person. Joining a public conversation with a short, relevant comment is often the most natural way in, and it lets people get used to your name before you ever open a private chat. When you do want to talk to someone one to one, asking in public first is good manners; see our etiquette guide.
If you are chatting in a second language
Say so. "My Persian is still slow, please be patient" turns a weakness into a subject, and most people respond by helping. A few ready-made lines from our list of Persian greetings and phrases will carry you through the first minute.
How to end well
A conversation that ends clearly is easier to resume. "I have to go now, but I enjoyed this. See you around here?" leaves a good impression and an open door, which is all a first conversation needs to do.